dOremOn menYeraNg

as i cannot put my head and sleep on that fluffy pillow of mine anymore, which is the result of spening the whole day sleeping, i had to wake up and do something. studying for the linguistic test due next friday is always an open option, but i chose to do something else. i choose to write my mind and soul out on this blog of mine.

i realized that these few days i have become someone i do not wish to be. i became someone i would dislike to be close with if i am in other's shoes. mood swings that i have been experiencing in these few days that led to a lot of things i do not realize coming from myself. i became someone who is very2 annoying. i became irritating at times. i became a person who acts up when i feel moody, which is a lot too frequent now. i snap back at people. i don't give a warm and pleasant smile when i see people smiling at me. i get mad with littlest thing that got into my way.

and it all had led me to a state that i hate the most = Breakdowns.

i did not mean to things get into me, and make me bitter. i do not want to let my heart rules my body and soul anymore. i want to always be that strong person who sincerely smile and laugh even when i am down, who do not let things get into her. you know, i just want to be strong.

but when series of unfortunate events happen to me, i cannot help myself from being frustrated. when one after one bad thing, major or simple ones, happens to me, i started to lose focus on being strong and starts to fall apart. when i realized that the source of my strength is not around, i started to trip.

(and when i see the place where u always stand at, waiting for me, is now empty, it hurts, a little)


i keep giving lectures to myself on how i have others who got my back. long lectures to myself on how i should not focus on what i do not have and appreciate on what i have now. but it is hard. i mean, u can talk to people here. u can talk to your besties without a problem. the basic needs of communication that you have is fulfilled so easily.

so when u cant reach a person who is there, but is still out of ur reach and there is nothing u can do about it, u feel desperate.

that is when u start to feel so lost. because u r desperate and u dunno what to do. u have the tools but it did not help u. u want to tell him something but that cannot be done.

but i should think, too, about what others would've felt when i do that. i mean, running amok, kicking walls and screaming like a mad lady. and it is embarrassing, oK. really. i hate myself when i do that. tambah2 lg when i think what my friends would feel when i was okay one minute, and the next thing they see at the next minute is me experiencing terrible mood again. and i did not try to control it. i would freak out if people ever do that, ever. so this is what i think i'll do when i am in a very bad mood.

• know that he will understand the next time the net and other technical problems occur. he wont be mad for no reason, ok? he's one great guy who understands and very loving.
• go straight to the shower and shower. cold water usually does the trick
• do not go near my friends.
• if they are nearby, i will shut up.
• when i am in a terrible mood again, i will try my best to remember that you are not the ones who messed up or pissed me off. so i have no right to raise my voice to you guys!

and these are the list u ought to do when i frown

• i dun get this horrible during PMS or other things. this is the first time i got this bad, so if it happens again, know that i'm not mad at u.
  
• do not ask me what is wrong. if u messed up, i would've told u. not frowning by myself.
• remind me that i am not mad at u.and plish tell me to shut up.haha

ok now. sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry for the moodswing earlier. and for screaming. sorry sgt2!!!

i love everyone, okay?