bila nak maju kalau macam ni?

fotostat surat untuk naik pangkat dianggap lebih worthy untuk digunakan dakwat mesin fotostat sekolah itu.

i was going to write in Malay but i realize that what i wanted to say might sound a lot more insulting if i were to use a language i am so comfortable in so yeah. i am going to try to sound neutral. its an impossible task but i will try.

this issue might seem simple to you. some people might even think, apalah sangat perihal mesin fotostat right? benda boleh setel. well the issue here is not mesin fotostat. the issue is how shallow some people are and i may say, how stupid some people are when it comes to resolving conflicts.

so we trainee teachers undergoing practicum typically are not allowed to use the photocopier. thankfully when we first came here the principal was really kind. she is a kind lady who was willing to give us what we need, like an accommodation. what she asked for, in return, is for us to do our best in improving the school's English quality. i was eager to help. very. i never turned down any of my students in this whole 3 weeks. everytime i feel like not doing my duty, i remember my principal's kindness and wish for us to help the students.

so i try my best. me and my friends do a lot of studies to ensure the students get a fun and rewarding classes. in order to do this, i give handouts for my students. i have 29 students in my form 2 class and 30 in my form 1 class. it's a lot to copy, but the burden was not felt because i was blessed with the photocopier in the office. the principal saw me to do the copying many times before as i am one hell of a frequent user and she was always all smiles telling me to do do my best. the people at the office was very helpful too. whenever i asked them if i could photocopy some materials for my students, they had never actually refused me or tell me i am not supposed to. i pernah kena tegur once sebab prepare my materials too late, kelas 840 am baru nak fotostat pukul 730. the teacher told me i should have come earlier. she had a point. so i make it a point to finish all my materials for tomorrow before 12 the previous day.

yesterday, god showed me the ugly side of some people i previously had a high regard to.

they didn't notice that i was still in the room as they thought all of us has exited the room. but i'll give you snippets of the conversation i have directly heard.

Cikgu 1: sepatutnya xpayah dilayan diorang tu. nak fotostat2 apa. ini penting ha akak nak naik pangkat ni. ini baru kena fotostat.
Cikgu 2: ntahnya. masa kita dulu praktikum mana boleh fotostat pakai skolah punya, semua kena pakai duit sendiri.
Cikgu 3: (to the office staff) sepatutnya boleh ke diorang fotostat kat sini?
Office staff berbaju biru: mana boleh. diorang x boleh sepatutnya
Cikgu 1: tu saya dulu pun mana ada skolah nak tanggung benda macam ni. biarkan je lain kali suruh fotostat kat luar tu
Cikgu 2: ntahnya. anak sedara saya pun praktikum pakai duit sendiri semua
cikgu 3: sepatutnya diorang print pun xboleh kat skolah ni. guna komputer semua tu mana boleh.

and then another office staff saw me and went "nak fotostat ke?" and offered to copy it.

Cikgu 3: eh tapi kalau nak fotostat untuk murid2 xpe kot.

imagine how i felt listening to all these malay cikgus badmouthing us in front of me because they thought i wasn't there. i thought, habis tu kau ingat aku ni nak fotostat buat alas katil untuk diri sendiri ke?

my ears were on fire. because one, its not even for myself. it was not for me to fill borang kenaikan pangkat. it was for the kids.

second, the kids are the students of their own school. THEIR OWN FREAKING school. what benefits does it give me, really to be doing all this? they are not in any way related to me. if they improve, i am not going to even get the credit.

third, do you really have to cover up what you said? i was there. i don't mind if you were telling me facts. i would understand why they do not want us to use it. maybe it is not cost efficient for the school. there is probably a special budget allocated for the teachers and using the photocopier would probably disturb the balance. do you really have to sneak around our back like that?

four, fyi makciks kitorang pakai laptop sendiri. print pun ada printer sendiri. sometimes we use the computer and the printer, but it was only because the teachers are okay with it. xkan kitorang xde adab kan nak pakai tanpa izin. kami keluar negara pun ada passport.

five, kenapa kalau zaman dulu orang semua mandi kat sungai kita sekarang mandi dalam bilik air? ada paip semua? why is it that in the past we used to use letters to communicate, now we use sms? we are always moving towards the betterment are we not?

so why when the younger generations get good stuff kita kena kutuk? kena x boleh bersyukur sebab people don't have to have it as bad as you? if these people lived in the past during the occupation, i bet they wouldn't budge to try to fight, simply because it would be unfair if they were deemed to this fate and the the next generation don't.

six, this type of mentality is seriously disturbing. if this is the type of teachers we have, fikir je la sendiri.

i am not writing this post for revenge. i am writing this so we could learn what not to do. this morning i was told by my coordinating teacher that we are not allowed to use it on our own anymore. instead, we are supposed to bring our coordinating teachers together to do the copying or we could riso the materials provided if we're going to make more than 100 copies at a time. i imagine i wouldn't be feeling too bitter if i heard the news this morning without having the privilege to know what the teachers' opinions are.

please, if you are a teacher trainee think about how your words and action might hurt others. be honest. be helpful. be sincere. there's no use writing these qualities on the walls if you are not going to practice it.

culture is not taught, it is practiced.

screw insecurities

I have never thought i would have insecurities issues. i had always been so confident about myself, not caring (and blatantly dismissing) any negative comments made towards me. I was always able to tell myself that i am perfect the way i am, i do not need to change for anyone who doesn't love me (well maybe i can change my bad habits but yeah u get the idea), and look into the mirror and be so damn proud and thankful of what Allah has gifted me.

Turns out that I do care about words if that words came from the person i care and put so closely to my heart. The people i want to be nice to and could expect to get something nice in return, to be exact.

But having rationalized all the things and circumstances, I think I should be critical here. There's nothing wrong with telling me what you think is wrong with me. I'd still like to listen to some nice things before you proceed with something that might offend me.

The thing about me is, I constantly change. I might not care if you tell me I am fat yesterday because i think that is very well fitting. I did not work out probably, I could be eating tons of Kit Kats. Say that when i have been watching out for what i eat and work out, I'd be upset. I'm a woman and i guess i am one of the people who cares when ur telling them u look less than fat.

I understand it wasn't intentional, so I would try not to think about it. Hard, because I am vengeful that way. But I tend to forget so I'll forget it someday.

so yeah. I might appear cool and loofy at times, but to people who i hold dearly at heart, please be aware that I have my sensitive times too. Sorry >,,<

But i know i am okay now. I looked into the mirror this morning and my heart still swells with pride. ^^

so urm...what i was trying to say was

SCREW YOU INSECURITIES. you do me nothing good.

late at night

남자 친구그리옵고 보고싶고 얘기하고싶지만 얘가너무너무빠븐거알아서 참아야돼~
내가 이로보면 아주 좋은데 인내심 늘렸으니까 한밤증에 말하고 싶을때 못해서 슬퍼.........ㅜㅠ

아쉽다

너는 바빠서 나를 얘기못하지? 괜잖아. 이애할수있는데, 그리워. 니가 너무 보고싶어.
다음에 말레이시아로갈자? 얘기 또 못하는거같에.

후~~~~

nicola

Dear Nicole,
so you must have arrived in Sydney now. i feel like as if a bucket of swirling water had replaced my lungs, intestines and ribcage. when the bus moved and you were innit it just didnt occur to me that you're leaving and it'll be a reaaaaaally long time until i'll see you again. until i read ur card, and i read the part where you say we'll step into a korean restaurant again someday and it hits me real hard on the head that wow, its gonna be real long before that. and it just saddens me greatly.

i already miss you =[

the healing process

too many boxes and too many memories
all the goodbye letters left me in grief
i still need to see your smile to give me strength
though i know things can't always stay the same

i know we have done this too many times
why can't i be comfortable with this routine
i still don't identify.

now that i think about it

Sean's voice is ever annoying, it is loud and resembles the boombox speakers and he pokes people like kids would poke cats... but i have grown used to it.

Ariette talks a lot and says something about her mum every other second. and she always has some stories about guys. I have grown to know the 'hurry, close the door so she'll speak' moments.

Padraig too. He wrinkles his nose everytime at how unhealthy I have been eating compared to his all green, unprocessed cheese and tomato Panini. been telling me those amount of coffee will kill me. i'll miss it when i wont hear him saying people arond me will die of heart attacks.

but mostly, I will miss Nicole to death. =[
i dont want to miss her.
i want someone to sit with me telling stories. i want someone i know will enjoy my stories to hear it. i want someone to sit down and draw faces on the eggs. i want someone who stays up at night to teach me how to Cha cha and draw on my door. I want to plot some payback plans to get Sean. I want to have someone to eat seafood with. I want someone to listen to music with. I want someone who will tell me what books have she read and compare it to other books. i need someone who reminds me again what chapter the Cheshire cat appears in Alice in the Wonderland. i want someone who talks to me about aliens, fairies, unicorns and angels.










goodbyes suck.

sebenarnya

bila ashikin yusof upset, dia xnak buat apape.

dia xnk makan, dia xmo tukar baju, dia xnak sikat rambut, dia xnak buat kopi
semua xnak
nak tidur je
tp dah sebab tidur dah cukup, lepas ni pukul 230 ada tutoring, kene kerja. haha. kena kena

nak buat apa?
memang salah sendiri pun.
it was clearly a misunderstanding pun, nak upset lebih2 pun buat ape

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh -.-'

p/s: emo rollercoaster

edit-----------------------------------------------------------

hyper balik!!
so everyone wants to take japanese next year. ala nak jugak. but consider2 fatin ckp, itu kelas basic. ajar tulis hiragana katakana, simple stuff. mungkin i dun need it. well maybe i should just continue german. hurmmm

automatisch

currently drowning in uni work, and is on the verge of going coo-coo in seconds.

and i kinda hate selfish people. hard to say that considering i have the tendency to be pretty selfish myself. its just that, sometime you really have to understand that what you do affect people's sanity, you know?

and i hate the irony of things. like still not quitting smoking when someone dear to you passed away from the friggin cancer. you might have been the cause of her death for gods sake. there's really no point in writing a book about how brave she was for fighting it IF it does nothing to you really

(well as if i'm the one to speak kan. being addicted to coffee myself. but hey at least me drinking hundred cups of coffee every day does not effect the person sitting next to me)

and why am i being so snappy again? oh for being on the verge of going crazy in the matter of seconds.

well i am trying to find a free time to check about Japan. the flight ticket, visa required, stuffs for visiting. bet it would be pretty expensive but yeah, kalau ada offer jetstar buat sila bagitahu. i am willing to hutang with my credit card now. haha. i see lights of freedom coming my way this weekend tapi tula. i'll sabar for the time being with this painful cramp on my shoulders (n not forgetting the bruise for hitting the car door so hard this evening. haha

and...remember the cheque i received as my pay for tutoring the kid? oh maybe i didnt even tell the story about the kid. so Kaleb's graph was a scallop, means his reading performance dropped and his end result was the same then he first started. means his performance dropped real bad in the middle before he started picking himself up again (or me being stricter). and yeah terok. so i was reaaaally down, and decided not to cash the money (despite my brokeness thank you very much) because it would be against my ethics la, pergi kerja tapi xde hasil. i mean, really thats what i thought. my job is to increase his reading performance, if he did not show a satisfactory result then what the heck have i been doing kan? so yeah i feel obligated not to use the money and only use it until i get him in shape again. but...he's not there anymore for this semester after school break ended. we are working with someone else now. well two other students actually in my case. so i have to be stricter now, telling them every so often 'i want you to do this' instead of 'which one of these that you want to do?' and is feeling quite uncomfortable but hey its effective jugak. so i guess its ok nak bagi them choices but you still have to let them know you wont take nonesnce. or something. haha

so yeah. no use la kan keeping the money snce he wont come back? i'll cash it in tomorrow and but myself junk food for assignment companion yeayyyyyyyyssss

der Fahrkarte, der Bahnhof, der Führerschein, der Schlafwagen, der Unfall, der Urlaub...

and hurm...why does everything seems familiar?

because i´ve done this before!

ich soll Kapital fünf lernen, aber ich habe das Kapitel vier gelernt! doof!!!!!!!
(i am supposed to study chapter 5 but i studied chapter 4)

kesian damai!!!!

damai the hamster fell down from my hands sebab it slipped!

jatuh kesian tau. she couldnt stand up right away after the fall. mcm she was lying on her side before getting up. and she walks ultra fast. i'm scared if she broke her bones ke ada internal bleeding ke.

now shes sleeping but she cant stop twitching and jerking a little, and she sleeps in the weirdest position. to make things worse, both cars are not in the house. my parents are out. separately. isk.

nak bawak her jumpa vet. wish the best for her ok?

p/s: Damai, i'm sorryyyy!!!!

edited---------------------\

now that Hyunjoong and Hwangbo separated in WGM Kangin from SuJu will replace him. i dunno the girl and the subs are going to be veryyy late from now on =[

peringatan

kalau naik kereta dengan saya, do not panggil semua org within ur 20m radius 'bodoh'

my ride with these people telah memabukkan saya.

OMG i am so tired of the word bodoh. how does it come out from ur mouth so easily?

what pms does to u people. this is what happened to me

nothing feels right when i'm not with you
sick of this dress and these jimmy choo's
taking em off cause i feel a fool
trying to dress up when i'm missing you

i'ma step out of this lingerie
curl up in a ball with something Hanes
in that i lay
with nothing but ur t-shirt on

on another note.....,

aku tunggu kedamaianku datang
ribut, hujan dan badut datang
muncul dan hilang
aku cari petunjuk tiada papan tanda di tepi jalan
namun aku terus tunggu kedamaianku datang

aku tunggu lagi
mungkin kedamaian datang menampakkan diri
mungkin hati sendiri dimalam ini
lebih terisi dari semalam
tidak sekosong waktu siang tadi

aku sangka aku nampak bayang bayangnya

tapi
kedamaian tidak menjengah juga
bagaimana ya?

hurmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...i can write a poem in malay already =D

yeah. this is definetly pms. no doubts.

wishful thinking

that your name appear online.

p/s : i cant wait for the blue wedges to come to me!!!=D

(edit)tambah sikit.

tp lagi frustrated. PMS kot?

self inflicted wounds

there is a lot of stories i have heard about girls who prefer listening to a bad boyfriend rather than honest, truthful friends.

well, i heard another recently.

i dont know why, perhaps it is just me, but i find it annoying for the girl is too blind to see benda yang dah trang tang tang kat depan mata.

people have been telling u that ur boyfriend is messing around with other girls.
ur friends have been telling you over and over about what he did behind you.
ur friends were desperately trying to save you from getting hurt and feeling like a fool who spent months for a man who worth nothing

instead of bukak mata luas sikit you marah your friends whom you knew for the 8 years of your life for 'ruining your happiness'
tapi listens to your sick boyfriend who obviously have been flirting furiously with other girls
just because he told you that your friends just cant be happy for you

well. org dah bagi warning. and ur friends tried to save you. if you pulled your hands away from your friends even when they reached for u,

you deserve every pain and wounds. its considered as self inflicted.

writing under emo-ish self state. hahaha. nak tidur la. jya~

rimas

i wonder why male species in malaysia dah macam desperate sangat.

please la learn to be cool with yourself

ini dah macam makhluk gersang mane je. pantang nampak female species berjalan mulut xleh dok diam.

rimaslah.

as i was browsing thru friendster, i found some things i dislike

1.people spelling girls as gurlz, walaupun ade sorang je dlm gamba tu.

2.people spelling boys as boyzzzzzz, especially ade seorang je dalam gambar tu

3.people sending out testimonials yg berbunyik mcm deejay radio. xpenah kenal tp ramah smacam. contoh ayat yang tidak sesuai ialah 'hai owg ganu, salam perkenalan!!, pose jangan x pose!'. maybe its just me, but i find it annoying. and xkene tempat. haha

4. which reminds me of number 4, spelling 'orang' as 'owang'. what is wrong with the real pronunciation?

5.people sending chain letters with the lines like 'if u don't forward this, a ghost gonna kill your mum and u'll be skinned alive blah blah blah. padahal kalau betul, i'd be 100 times dead by now.

6.those with over confidence. the ones with super over confidence yang even if they add random stranger on the net, they will definetely accept ur friends request. and stok bile kita xnak add, will give u messages saying u shudn't be so sombong because u look good and stuff. i find them annoying and xde life.



please forgive my slight emo-istic post.happy buka puasa ppl!

i cannot freaking believe it she did this to me!!!!
bengong punya cikgu!!!!
arghhh!

ok i took a deep breath, now hear me out and please be sympathetic.

yesterday was the last day for the four of us in La Salle. a lot of students asked for my phone number and email, and i thot it was something normal which should happen to everyone of us. but the thing is people do not realy ask for azriq aiman's nd robot's number, they mostly ask from me.

there was this one teacher, Cikgu S****** who was chatting to us when we were about to bid farewell. she was talking to aiman at the moment, and tibe2 ckp ' well i might need ur phone number in case u guys need anything else for ur portfolio or maybe if i have something else to give u?'. note: she was talking to azriq aiman the whole time. and after she said them, cikgu tu tros turn to me and say 'you lah, i need ur phone number'. so mase tu its not that i xsudi terime her help ke ape, tp there are at least 5 boys tgh pasang tlinge hoping to get my number. so we all pushed azriq aiman instead, ckp 'well take his number, he's the group leader after all'. so attempt number 1:selamat...

then we go and salam around the shcool teacher, and Cik S******* pun asked for my number too. i asked her what for, and she told me the same thing. becoz 'manela tau lepas ni ade apape lagi bolehla i ring u'. and considering she is a teacher and quite garang with students, i trusted her and i gave her my phone number. yela, who knows maybe one day we want to catch up over coffee or something? kan? I WAS DEAD WRONG. she complotted this with a student. she fuc*ing gave my phone number to one student, and he has sms-ed me today.

i bukan ape, i would like to set boundaries between my personal life and the school. i was sooo protective of my handphone num, and my email too. nasib baek x bagi sape2. i dun want the next thing i know is for the students to find out my fs pulak.

and i thot those cikgus are very irresponsible. adults doing a 15 year old actions. passing my number, an SBE teacher to ur students is too much. seriously.

they made me not miss La Salle immediately.

p/s : Puan Jasbir wrote the comments for my SBE report as 'a very cheerful person who was able to adapt to this very challenging school environment. would like to see her practice teaching in this school in future'. Aiman and i got it. but i am not interested anymore. the school environment is even more challenging now.

this is just a simple reminder to those around me okay? no offense. =p

1st - do not piss me off becoz when i do i am no longer the nice person u met few minutes ago.
2nd- i grew up. i believe in the sources i can believe and i have brains to think about my decisions.
3rd- once u bitched like crazy about me and still act all innocent and suci, at least pretend u feel guilty. please la. i am not dumb, and the walls can hear.
4th-just because i made mistakes that does NOT justify ur rude actions in correcting me.
5th - just becoz i have money doesn't mean im gonna pour it ALL on you meaninglessly just to please u
6th- stop whining every details to every possible person who asked 'how are you?' to u about ur life. u have ur good friends for it. strangers or those who u dont always share secrets before does not need to do about ur private matters. if u love exposing ur private life so much, why dont u tape and spread ur very own 'one night in paris'?
7th - if u dun have a privacy, at least RESPECT MINE.

and yeah, if u r nice to me, i'll be super nice to you.
once u cross the line, u will freaking get it.

Goodbye

Goodbye Kalot
its been very nice to be ur owner!!='[

Kalot passed away yesterday evening around 5 becoz she was out in the sun for too long.
we have accidentally neglected the poor thing.
kesian
i'm sorry Kalot

i'm a bad bad owner
now only Huruhara is left.
may u rest in peace...!!