i have a bad habit

when i realize i am not good at something, or when somebody pointed at me saying i make a mistake, and when i have tried fixing it once or twice and still it remains the same or when i feel something is pointless, i have the biggest tendency to run away.

i have my rationale though. the logic being is that if i know i can't fix something, or if i can't really do anything to make it better, what is the point of giving my all to do the impossible? or if you can't do anything about it because it is just not in you to do anything about it, why bother?

let me show you an example. when i was in high school, i was forced to take additional math which i hate the most because hell i suck at basic math skill. i was even clueless (still am) about multiplication table and i simply have no interests in numbers. it is not my innate ability to be able to fluidly count and get the logic behind those formulas. and it is not that i never tried, i struggled my whole life with math back then, since kindergarten up to SPM level and i was still below average. and so when i found myself helpless to do any better, i quit trying and started to focus on what i can do instead. (but i was pushed at the last minutes by Miey and Adzuan. thankies for helping me towards the glory of 7D in spm ;p). so yeah, i passed for the very first time during spm, because i memorized the steps.

but i won;t quit trying if i know it is worth something. like the recent ESOL punya kejadian. yeah it improved a bit, tho Fatin cakap it wasn't that bad tp the truth is its awful. really. but at least ade improvement tau. haha. so because i know ESOL is worth something and whatever pun i have to manage kan, i pick myself up every single time i start to feel down again. huuu. the hardest thing is i am the kind of person yang motivate diri sendiri and no amount of bebelans from people around me will make me do something. i always decide for myself when it comes to the things macam ni. i mean, i ask for people's opinions, but i don't always follow them. rasa pun opinion je kot kan, so macam, its still up to me whether i am doing it or not.

so yeah, i acknowledged that sometimes my head is just too stubborn for my own good. but its pretty frustrating to know that i have to let some people down because i can't fulfill their expectations. i mean, man, how i hate expectations. ughhh. its an ugly word. i mean, its completely natural to have expectations, but realy sometimes people expect you to be so damn good that u actually start to waver and question yourself. not saying that its a bad thing, questioning yourself is great to evaluate yourself. not saying that i do all the good things in the world, too. i am far too devilish for that haha ;p.

so sometimes when i know i couldn't fit into people's expectations, my running away tendencies will resurface. i will start thinking i am actually not good enough and the world is filled with 20million other people who are better and anyone who thinks i do not fit the description they want can try and search those other 20million people who has whatever criteria that they wanted to find kan. you can try social networking websites like facebook or myspace for all i care. it is not even based on my emotions or apape pun. logically speaking, if u masukkan screw dalam lubang and it can't fit, what do you do? find the one that fits kan? if your LAN cable is too short for for liking, u find another one yang lagi panjang kan? something macam tu la. u dun wish for the LAN cable to miraclously extend itself or the screw to magically fit in kan? so i wonder if when it comes to human interpersonal relationship, does the same thing applies or something else pun masuk in the picture? so i do not know what others think. i think my act of running away from things i am not good at is a natural cause and effect relationship. it avoids loads of unresolved conflicts and so far had given me loads of peace. haha.

yeah u probably won't settle anything if you keep running, but sometimes i think it is for the best. so, does trying to find a better option is the act of running away or is it natural? plz tell me. i am confused