goodbye Kuda. thanks for everything

So its been a few days since Kuda is gone forever. It took me about what, 5 days to get over it and to be able to recount what happened.

It was the 25th of July, Wednesday. Around 10 in the morning I finished class with my form 1. Then i was supposed to have a class with year 6, which I am doing team teaching with another senior teacher. She told me that she wanted to have the class that day so I should go back to Kuda and play with him for a bit. I didn't think much of it. I planned to go back at 1050, when the year 6 class is over and i have a couple of hours gap to my next class. Since i was given the opportunity, i grabbed it, thinking i still haven't fed Kuda this morning. I thought i could bring him to school afterwards.

So i went back to Kuda around 1015. i took him out from the cage and he eagerly climbed up to my shoulders as usual. he always pecked me when he was on my shoulder. he did the same thing that morning. i brought him and his saucer and water container to the pantry for refill. left his saucer into the sink and boiled water to warm his bread up. then he drank a bit of water from the container. then he flew outside.

i watched him fly up and perch higher than his usual spot. i made a move to turn the fan off. he was calling for me. but i took a broom and told him to wait instead. 'kejap eh kuda, mummys gonna sweep the floor and i'll get u later'. as soon as i finished, he took off. i noticed he was getting too close to the fan but it happened too fast. a sickening sound of a something solid hitting metal was heard and he fell right before my eyes.

he didn't move. i kneel down to scoop him onto my palm and noticed there was blood on the floor. he was flapping when i touched him. he was in a lot of pain, i know. then he stopped moving. for one horrible moment i thought i lost him then, but he was still breathing rapidly. my hands were shaking and i kept calling his name. i could think anymore, my whole body was telling me i must save him. i cannot let Kuda die. so i took a small towel and wrapped his little body. i didnt tell anyone, i didnt have the time to.  i rushed to Chamang Veterinary Clinic in Bentong. i dont think i have ever sped that fast. the whole journey i kept talking to him on my lap. making sure that he stayed with me.

when we arrived in Bentong, the vet wouldnt even look at him. i asked him to check for injuries but he wouldnt saying that he doesnt have the expertise with birds. that is one risk i have always known with birds; they are hyper sensitive. if u do something wrong they could die in a blink of an eye. he could not even disinfect the wound due to the lack of medicine. i cursed out government so much at this point for taking all the money out of this little clinic. he gave the Hospital Veterinar in Cheras a call, and i spoke to the doctor. I made an appointment with Doc Mas. i cant remember her name much. but i thank her so much for at least checking kuda up.

then i drove alone to Cheras. it was the most painful journey i ever had to kuala lumpur. it was lunch hour so the traffic jam was horrible. but i made it. but we had to wait for about half an hour because nobody was around to entertain us. i was puzzled. it is the ramadhan month but every staff went out. there was these 2 ladies who were there but would not entertain me even when i told them it is an emergency. 'xde emergency2 ni kat sini. skang lunch hour" katanya. selfish bastards.

but luckily the front desk opens at 230 so dr mas checked Kuda immediately when she got in. turns out that Kuda's injury was a lot severe than she expected. she said this is a case of a broken wing, and they dont have enough facility to perform a surgery on Kuda. i need to rush kuda to UHV, UPM's hospital for animals. its in Serdang area. she gave Kuda a bit of food and some vitamin water to keep him going. i cannot thank the staff here enough for that. while in the room, kuda kept struggling to climb up to my shoulder. when i put him onto my shoulder, he still pecked my cheek. i cried so hard thinking that he still loved me when i was the one who was so careless to put him in such misery. at this point i noticed that Kuda doesnt respond when we touch his left wing.

So i drove to Serdang. with the help of the map given finding the place was a piece of cake. i then rushed him in, but the avian vet was in a meeting so another doctor was called in. she was this really nice lady who took a liking on kuda instantly. she checked Kuda up and found that it was an open fracture. when she lifted the wing up i can see his bone sticking out from him and it was horrible. i almost threw up but i held it in thinking i cant be weak and drive later. then Dr Jalila came. she was the expert. dr siti and dr jalila checked on Kuda and decided that they might have to amputate Kuda's left wing. but he'll survive. however, Kuda might still die from the anaesthetic. they'll gas him, but he might be too weak so he might not wake up. there is a 50:50 chance. i thought, okay i'll pray and let the doctors decide. they'll know what to do.

so with a very very very heavy heart, i watched them put kuda in that glass thingy. with his wing bandaged to his side. i was so afraid and i wanted to cry but i need to drive back to Karak. i realize that this might be the last time i see him. i dont know why but i kind of understand then. Kuda looked so weak already. my biggest regret is i dont pick him up and kiss him goodbye before leaving. i only watched him sleep.

when i reached Karak around 7, i couldnt do anything. i could only cry and cry. i cried to sleep and my parents called my twice. then i received the most horrible news from the doctor. she told me that Kuda was found dead around 8-830pm during ward rounds. the doctors were trying to find the best solution for Kuda. i was so calm when i replied. i remembered updating my fb status thanking Kuda for everything. and then on everything was a blur.

i realized that i was wailing so hard that my stomach hurts. the whole body hurts. i was at lost and regret washed all over. i didnt know what to do. this might be a bit over the top for those who never had a pet so dear to you before. but Kuda was my only friend when i came to this place alone. Kuda was there the whole time i was sad. even when i am alone Kuda was always there without fail. losing Kuda is almost like losing a part of myself. call me drama queen but i was really devastated.

then i called adzuan. i cant even remember what i said. i remember saying i want kuda back to my father. or was it adzuan. maybe i kept repeating that to people so i couldnt recall.

i wanted to take a sick leave the next day and take Kuda home. bury him someplace safe. but my father advised me against it. he thought that i was too emotional to be driving. besides, he was coming to me the next day. i was slightly comforted. i cannot thank them enough for bringing me food from home, and ayah knowing i like asams brought along so many asams i dont think i can finish them. and Bepangs too. and brought some stuff to furnish the new house.

even up until now i think what could have happened if i stayed with Kuda that night. would he survive at least until the next morning? i wasnt even supposed to be home at the time. if i stayed at school, would Kuda have died? if only i fed him earlier that morning and brought him to school with me like always, would things have happened differently?

i understand that it all happened for a reason. Kuda is now a bidadara in heaven. a handsome one. free from all pains and loneliness from being left to play on his own for too long because i was too busy. he is in a better place. HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE. let god take care of him.

so. Goodbye Kuda, and thanks for all the joy you gave me the whole time you were here.

Mommy loves you.