i am a survivor!!!

so this is my life so far.
i have accomplished things i never thought i could have done in the past.
i went through a lot of troubles, but i managed to pull through too.
i lose a lot, but i gain even more.
and with all the priceless experiences i have gained so far, i will always try not to regret what i have done in the past.
besides, i am going to stay strong because i am only 20
there is still a hell lot of things i will discover, with or without my consent =p

and i want to be more independent
i realize that i have been depending on others in my life previously
a step at a time, lah of course, but i will always try!! =D

and i want to call my grandfather more often
i saw him during Raya time, and it gave me a huge shock inside
in my mind, i had always seen the strong, big grandfather who is always healthy
aki always moves, he drives to places and sometimes is only home near midnight from working
he was sooo active for a man his age
he was admitted to the hospital couple of days after puasa starts, and i thought it was nothing serious.
he was admitted into the hospital a lot of times as i could remember, so i thought this is just another case where i dun have to worry much..that things are going to be normal
so even when he told me that he was operated, it didn't disturb me much
because he always gets normal again
for all i know, he would be up and running, living his oh-so-hectic life

but when i saw him recently
he lost weight
he can't drive anymore
he had a stricter diet than before
he caughed a lot when we chat and i had to get up and get him a glass of warm water
he ate more pills that he did before
i noticed his feet was turning blue
i overheard my aunties consulting my mum about how he needs treatments
i saw the panic my aunt had when she couldn't find his pills

its disturbing to see the people u love grow older and unhealthy.
i understand it is nature of living. but its sorta brings a lot of pain in the ass watching him like that.
i still want to see my aki for years to come
i want him to be at my wedding.
i want to see him longer.
i want to listen to him bashing political parties
i do not want to lose my grandfather. he's the only grandfather i have.


man, the latter writing is opposing what i wrote earlier, bout being strong and stuff? hahaha
that's okay. everybody has the liscence to feel troubled sometimes.

i'm a survivor