ghost town blog is a ghost town

do i still want to keep writing? 

i think i do. i just didn't have the time or strength to do it. in other words, i am lazy.

anyways. 

i didn't even write this here but if you have me on your fb friendslist you would definitely know that i have gotten engaged last year in October. 27th October to be exact.

When we got engaged, we did not set the date yet as it was supposed to be open for our choice. Some of the elders from my family set that we should marry in six months time, which was not very much supported by ayah since he was still keeping the dates open. 

and then shit happened and stuff and we are definitely getting married this May! Yay!

(when i say shit happened i didn't mean i get knocked up or something. its just too many events to explain so i wont bother)

permudahkan urusanku. amin

this lady here got married

the lady on the right is my kekasih gelap, Illibanana.

That girl in the picture is a dear friend of mine. I can't really remember when was the first time I spoke to her. She was very...silent? And so was I, especially when I see people who has no interest in talking and chatting. I think we somehow became really close in Auckland. We just discovered how equally stupid and crazy we are, and how similar we are in a lot of ways.

Only that she got married earlier to the man who stole mah love :(

Heh kidding :P but seriously. she married the man she loves. dawwww

Congratulations Illi. You know I love you ^^

Lady driver vs Male Driver

ok so woman had been depicted as the worst driver around for ages. I remember hearing my brother say 'ish pompuan la ni' when someone changed lanes without signalling, a car dashes out from an intersection or any other things that is offensive on the road.




(i also remember myself saying 'ish. dah lelaki dah tapi bawak kereta mcm s*** ni apasal' because i thought lelaki were supposed to be maksum on the road)




((maksum means orang yang bebas dari melakukan dosa. only applies to the prophets.))




i don't really have anything to say on my defense. i make sure that if i am driving below 100km/h i stay on the left lane. i only use the right lane to overtake cars and i'm back to the left lane again, if i notice someone high beaming my car i would make way for that impatient driver to go first. i try to know which lane i am going to go in 300m with the help of my trusty gps. i don't put on makeup when i drive. i was never a big fan of camwhoring alone. in short, i always strive to be a good driver.




a commentor said kalau nak keluar main keluar je, masuk simpang signal tak bagi. bila memandu mereka hanya fokus tengok depan. jarang tengok cermin sisi dan belakang. sampaikan motor/kereta dah dekat pun boleh terus keluar. bila tengok siapa pemandunya oh patut lah (walaupun tak semua) sebab tu kat Arab diharamkan memandu. mana yang hebat tu sambil keluar simpang main sms bila dah langgar motor terus panik




well, in my defense, i would say that i have encountered a lot of male drivers who 'kalau nak keluar main keluar je, masuk simpang signal x bagi, bila memandu hanya fokus tengok depan'. let me share my humble experience. i was once driving home from Bentong Town and there was this car on the right lane. i was just cruising on the left lane and i noticed immediately that he was on the phone while driving with only one hand. ok cool. ur a guy so i think u should be able to handle driving and talking on the phone. the next second he was going a little bit to the left and almost hit my car. i had to sound my horn and then he noticed that his car wasnt the only one on the road and hung up. yeah he was a male. i checked. i know how to use my side mirror. kudos to me.




there was another time when i have signalled to switch lanes on the highway. you can ask my plder brother how ridiculously careful i am when it comes to signalling. the car behind me purposely sped up upon seeing my signal. and then i braked of course. guess what he did. he drove to the side of my car, stopped there and started giving me very obscene hand gestures and very very rude facial expression. when he was the one who purposely sped. kamon la. nak tunjuk penumbuk kat perempuan pulak kan




on my way back home recently, it is needless to say yang the driver who cucuk me all the way, kept switching lanes without signalling and was driving recklessly fast on a narrow lane was...suprise suprise. a male driver.




my purpose of writing this is not because i am butthurt or i cannot accept the fact that woman are genetically different to the male species when it comes to driving. of course i know that. i am just saying, stop discriminating woman drivers. yes, male driver tends to be better but it does not automatically make the ladies incapable. yes, woman drivers make mistakes when driving but it does not mean that male drivers are 100% better. don't put woman down just because we were born a woman. that only shows how shallow and judgmental you are.




after all, we are all humans. and as the rule of the world, every human has flaws.

quoting a commenter from the page- yang kereta accident terbalik kat highway tu selalu aku tengok driver lelaki tersepit mintak tolong. tak pernah pulak aku tgk perempuan.

insya-allah tuhan akan menolong kita semua meningkatkan kualiti pemanduan kita, x kisah la lelaki ke perempuan. kita semua kan makhluk tuhan :)

MY BLOG IS DEAD OMAIGASH

Okay so there are a few things I can blame for this situation. i
 am only going to twrite abt reason number one. the rest will have to wait


1.MY JOB IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE
like, 80% of my life is revolved around slaving myself to mostly clerical work and some teaching. the last week of the school was the craziest. i am going to rant about my job now.

i was appointed as the invigilator for SPM 2012, yes i get paid for the job. since the SPM started on Monday, 5th Nov i have not been in school. Unfortunately being out of school was far from relaxing, I had to

a. finish up and submit my SKT form (for those of you who are not teachers, SKT form is to be submitted together with your RPH-Rancangan Pelajaran Harian or something. it is going to be the materials evaluated for your performance throughout the year).

b. give the Buku Resit of all PIBG related payments by the students to the PIBG teacher. problem was there was more forms that came with it and the form was nowhere to be found and i had not enough time to beg everyone to give me a copy of the form and the PIBG teacher was already very pissy towards me but hey. seriously am i at fault if i was only asked to give the receipt book on monday and i only had 1 hour break between my invigilating job to settle more shit? we made up on friday afternoon though. i let her call me senget.

c. finish up all the oral assessment file. i left it untouched since the first semester this year for form 2 and i never touched the file for the whole year for year four. TBH oral assessment for year four totally and completely skipped my mind and i never assessed them. Bad teacher is a bad teacher. oh well. this one took me the whole day to complete, i worked on the year 4's files from 3-5pm and 8-10 pm and the form 2 file took me some more hours, only to be told that i've been filling the wrong form. oh unfair world.

d. Close the attendance record for November. I wonder if i did it correctly. most of the things were done incorrectly so far that i am getting very stressed and paranoid.

e. Asrama matters-i needed to make sure that the girls cleaned their dorms completely with the other 5 wardens. that was actually the things i did on Friday morning before the school ends-terrorize the girls into sweeping the floor under their beds and clearing everything away.

f. PBS!!! gahhh this one is driving me crazy. first off i never changed my pw and i kept forgetting them. pw changed this time so hopefully i wont be forgetting them anymore. it kept signing me out after keying in 4 students. and i also had just found out that students who got an A for their recent final exam can be granted band 5 right away. which i am so screwed as i was probably too strict with my students and as the result  the whole class was still in band 2. 3 kids from my class deserved a band 5 advancement  but i could not give them that because the rule says that they need to be in band 4 already before granted band 5. and i was supposed to make them catch up with the exercises so that they could get a band 5. i was only told this yesterday. kids went home already and there is not much i can do right now. bummer.

i am also now required to write a report why my students are not eligible to get at least band 3. more bummer.



I am getting more and more depressed as i continue writing. Honestly right now i don't find joy in my job. Even i am surprised with the realization but i feel that i am dreading my work more and more. I know people say that the first year of teaching is the most challenging and I am still hoping that it will get better. As for this year, I am making too many mistakes, and people had been quite judgemental and unforgiving. Some people were bent on making things really tough for me and the other new teachers and sometimes i do doubt my decision. Will i ever be good enough as a teacher and as a clerk?

I also begin to strongly feel that teaching is a very oppressive job ever around here in Malaysia. As a new teacher i have been forced to do things i did not want to do, being ridiculed, and the experience is really, really hurtful. I think i have been trying to stay positive about teaching since i wanted to do it so much. i try not to complain even when others openly admit they were beginnign to hate this job. i cannot accept the way some people treat me and at the same time i could not do anything because he/she holds more authority than i do. i hate to be regarded as a mere kuli without rights. i hate to be threatened by some individuals saying i wont be allowed to pass the performance test this year because of some simple mistakes. i am tired of people being harsh to me that sometimes it makes me want to quit.

i am still trying to cope with the fact that i hate what i am doing.

The real adventure actually started on the second day.

oh yeah i am going to write about the experience i had at the Kem Tentera Bentong, Batalion Ke25 Tentera Diraja Malaysia. please forgive me if i have got the name wrong. my whole body is hurting ;p

okay so the second day marks the day where we all drop all luxuries and walk up the hill to get to the camping ground. The camping ground was, as i was told, accessible by cars. I should have asked what kind of car they meant. I chose to walk with my students. there were only 3 (yes, three) female (YES. only FEMALE) teachers who walked with the students. We kind of volunteered ourselves, me and Kak Anis since Cikgu Zul who had been there since the whole thing begins were attacked with Gout. His foot was already swelling pretty bad by the end of the first day so he drove to the campsite. I feel so bad for him. Other male teachers were selfish bastards who have no care for us. anyways. I am not going to talk about them though I am tempted. Buang yang keruh ambil yang jernih, remember?

Okay so. We started walking at 10.30 and the journey was not an easy. It was raining pretty heavily the night before so the ground was really wet and slippery. I felt the strain in my thigh though i was only carrying a water bottle (i didnt carry anthing since the nice army truck has brought our stuff to the site).

the walk up was not too bad but the way down was scary. it was super steep and slippery! i myself fell a number of times and warned my students to slide down if they cannot balance.

we reached the place at 1pm and i was a bit down to find that the reception of phone coverage is as bit like karak, only worse. sometimes we get them really clearly, the next minute you'll be losing your network connection. the amazing thing is that it works well in bags, not in your hands.

there were no toilet, no shower rooms. everything were made out of tents. they have this makeshift toilet. during the day we go down the stream for wudhu, for cleaning yourself, cooking, washing plates and more. life was tough man.

i only mandi once, after coming down from the hill. panas kan. sedap gila berendam.

the night was super cold.

okay i am not going into details. i am going to go nurse my cramped legs and 2 sting marks now. babaya~

the problem is

i have a lot to say before i start writing. the moment i write everything disappear

i drank almost 2 litres of mango juice tonight and i feel a bit sugary and a lot high!!!!!!!!!

goodbye Kuda. thanks for everything

So its been a few days since Kuda is gone forever. It took me about what, 5 days to get over it and to be able to recount what happened.

It was the 25th of July, Wednesday. Around 10 in the morning I finished class with my form 1. Then i was supposed to have a class with year 6, which I am doing team teaching with another senior teacher. She told me that she wanted to have the class that day so I should go back to Kuda and play with him for a bit. I didn't think much of it. I planned to go back at 1050, when the year 6 class is over and i have a couple of hours gap to my next class. Since i was given the opportunity, i grabbed it, thinking i still haven't fed Kuda this morning. I thought i could bring him to school afterwards.

So i went back to Kuda around 1015. i took him out from the cage and he eagerly climbed up to my shoulders as usual. he always pecked me when he was on my shoulder. he did the same thing that morning. i brought him and his saucer and water container to the pantry for refill. left his saucer into the sink and boiled water to warm his bread up. then he drank a bit of water from the container. then he flew outside.

i watched him fly up and perch higher than his usual spot. i made a move to turn the fan off. he was calling for me. but i took a broom and told him to wait instead. 'kejap eh kuda, mummys gonna sweep the floor and i'll get u later'. as soon as i finished, he took off. i noticed he was getting too close to the fan but it happened too fast. a sickening sound of a something solid hitting metal was heard and he fell right before my eyes.

he didn't move. i kneel down to scoop him onto my palm and noticed there was blood on the floor. he was flapping when i touched him. he was in a lot of pain, i know. then he stopped moving. for one horrible moment i thought i lost him then, but he was still breathing rapidly. my hands were shaking and i kept calling his name. i could think anymore, my whole body was telling me i must save him. i cannot let Kuda die. so i took a small towel and wrapped his little body. i didnt tell anyone, i didnt have the time to.  i rushed to Chamang Veterinary Clinic in Bentong. i dont think i have ever sped that fast. the whole journey i kept talking to him on my lap. making sure that he stayed with me.

when we arrived in Bentong, the vet wouldnt even look at him. i asked him to check for injuries but he wouldnt saying that he doesnt have the expertise with birds. that is one risk i have always known with birds; they are hyper sensitive. if u do something wrong they could die in a blink of an eye. he could not even disinfect the wound due to the lack of medicine. i cursed out government so much at this point for taking all the money out of this little clinic. he gave the Hospital Veterinar in Cheras a call, and i spoke to the doctor. I made an appointment with Doc Mas. i cant remember her name much. but i thank her so much for at least checking kuda up.

then i drove alone to Cheras. it was the most painful journey i ever had to kuala lumpur. it was lunch hour so the traffic jam was horrible. but i made it. but we had to wait for about half an hour because nobody was around to entertain us. i was puzzled. it is the ramadhan month but every staff went out. there was these 2 ladies who were there but would not entertain me even when i told them it is an emergency. 'xde emergency2 ni kat sini. skang lunch hour" katanya. selfish bastards.

but luckily the front desk opens at 230 so dr mas checked Kuda immediately when she got in. turns out that Kuda's injury was a lot severe than she expected. she said this is a case of a broken wing, and they dont have enough facility to perform a surgery on Kuda. i need to rush kuda to UHV, UPM's hospital for animals. its in Serdang area. she gave Kuda a bit of food and some vitamin water to keep him going. i cannot thank the staff here enough for that. while in the room, kuda kept struggling to climb up to my shoulder. when i put him onto my shoulder, he still pecked my cheek. i cried so hard thinking that he still loved me when i was the one who was so careless to put him in such misery. at this point i noticed that Kuda doesnt respond when we touch his left wing.

So i drove to Serdang. with the help of the map given finding the place was a piece of cake. i then rushed him in, but the avian vet was in a meeting so another doctor was called in. she was this really nice lady who took a liking on kuda instantly. she checked Kuda up and found that it was an open fracture. when she lifted the wing up i can see his bone sticking out from him and it was horrible. i almost threw up but i held it in thinking i cant be weak and drive later. then Dr Jalila came. she was the expert. dr siti and dr jalila checked on Kuda and decided that they might have to amputate Kuda's left wing. but he'll survive. however, Kuda might still die from the anaesthetic. they'll gas him, but he might be too weak so he might not wake up. there is a 50:50 chance. i thought, okay i'll pray and let the doctors decide. they'll know what to do.

so with a very very very heavy heart, i watched them put kuda in that glass thingy. with his wing bandaged to his side. i was so afraid and i wanted to cry but i need to drive back to Karak. i realize that this might be the last time i see him. i dont know why but i kind of understand then. Kuda looked so weak already. my biggest regret is i dont pick him up and kiss him goodbye before leaving. i only watched him sleep.

when i reached Karak around 7, i couldnt do anything. i could only cry and cry. i cried to sleep and my parents called my twice. then i received the most horrible news from the doctor. she told me that Kuda was found dead around 8-830pm during ward rounds. the doctors were trying to find the best solution for Kuda. i was so calm when i replied. i remembered updating my fb status thanking Kuda for everything. and then on everything was a blur.

i realized that i was wailing so hard that my stomach hurts. the whole body hurts. i was at lost and regret washed all over. i didnt know what to do. this might be a bit over the top for those who never had a pet so dear to you before. but Kuda was my only friend when i came to this place alone. Kuda was there the whole time i was sad. even when i am alone Kuda was always there without fail. losing Kuda is almost like losing a part of myself. call me drama queen but i was really devastated.

then i called adzuan. i cant even remember what i said. i remember saying i want kuda back to my father. or was it adzuan. maybe i kept repeating that to people so i couldnt recall.

i wanted to take a sick leave the next day and take Kuda home. bury him someplace safe. but my father advised me against it. he thought that i was too emotional to be driving. besides, he was coming to me the next day. i was slightly comforted. i cannot thank them enough for bringing me food from home, and ayah knowing i like asams brought along so many asams i dont think i can finish them. and Bepangs too. and brought some stuff to furnish the new house.

even up until now i think what could have happened if i stayed with Kuda that night. would he survive at least until the next morning? i wasnt even supposed to be home at the time. if i stayed at school, would Kuda have died? if only i fed him earlier that morning and brought him to school with me like always, would things have happened differently?

i understand that it all happened for a reason. Kuda is now a bidadara in heaven. a handsome one. free from all pains and loneliness from being left to play on his own for too long because i was too busy. he is in a better place. HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE. let god take care of him.

so. Goodbye Kuda, and thanks for all the joy you gave me the whole time you were here.

Mommy loves you.

un-privating the blog

yes call me indecisive. i know i am. first turn off the blog then go on to it again. it is vicious, you see, the nee to do something you told yourself you wont. and i was never goo with temptations ;p

so story of what is going on lately. i'll try to make it compact.

i have won the battle silently. i'm not sure if i have told you this, but my pengetua refrained me and my current roommate from applying for the quarters net to the school for no apparent reason. she even made up a pekeliling on her own saying that we dont have rights to apply. so i took matters to my own hands and deal with the PPD and other supportive school admin. in the end we've got a house :D

its not like i am going to spend my time out of school too much. there is nothing here. but having a house outside the asrama would make visits from my parents easier.

anywayssssssss. i am seriously considering about filling up the pertukaran form this september. i'm not sure to where i am moving yet. this needs to be further discussed. i have nothing against Bentong (or Karak)

anyways.

i now have this one problem with sitting down and doing nothing in school.
whenever i am resting, or when i realize i dont have anything to be done i become restless. i feel the need to rush to school and call all my students and we'll have a class at that instant. this week i wasn't as busy as the other usual weeks and it was seriously weird. i am a lazybum. but i was too used to work work work the whole week night that i cannot accept the fact that i am going to sit down and rest and not worry for one or two night. that is sick, dude. sickkkkkkkk

kesian kuda tho. he's taking to talking to wood furnitures. so far his favourite buddy is the kitchen door. but he also speaks to the chair and the mug. sometimes to the speaker. he is speaking to my toes as i am typing. he probably thinks that it is made of wood?

Najib and pengetua is a lot alike

making this blog private

as a precaution. i was nervous about updating the blog in case my students read it. leave your emails people. in my fb or here so i can add u as a reader ;p

pouring out my helplessness and frustations

somebody please come and educate me on teaching primary school students.

today i am even snarkier than ever. i wanted to do a fun vocabulary lesson. so with the help of my trusty textbook, i read them the story 'The Big Bun',. the words should be simple enough for the students to understand contextually. it was an hour 1 period class and the students were responding well to the story. some has even read them beforehand but i asked them to keep silence until i finish telling the story.

i wanted them to be able to guess the meaning from the context. so when the regularly confused students were raising hell because they cannot understand, i asked them to be patient and try to guess the meaning.

unfortunately they switched off.

completely.

the thing is i explained to the class the meaning of the words contextually. everyone else, including the weak ones were listening. ada 2 3 ketul ni switched off and they were clueless of the story. i was so frustrated i yelled at them. i know my mother told me to be patient because they might really not know, and by me yelling might make them not want to ask me anymore and they will stay in the dark forever. but these kids, i am pretty sure they are doing it for attention. i have my reasons to feel so, and knowing that they are kids, it is not impossible.

please tell me i am not being too negative with the kids.

so yeah. today is the bad day with the kids. i snapped and snapped and snapped. especially with this one boy who really really was keen to test my patience. i even had to go to him, take the long ruler and demanded him to read or else i am going to go crazy with the spanking. he, fortunately, understood that i meant business.

and...today only half the class finished the task in the classroom and handed in their homework on time. what is the secret of making year 4 kids hand in their tasks by the end of the class?


i am so frowny. going to frown until i get my coffee fix

Eyeliner punya pasal, tak tidur lagi

Its not even the eye liner's fault. Its me. Tiba tiba rasa cantik sangat sendiri sendiri. Blame for the super light make up I have been sporting in the school, partly because I have no time in the morning and because I don't want to look informal for work.

So when I get the chance to put on shit load of eyeliner on my eyes, I go nuts.

Anyways.

I went to Maxis centre with my parents tonight to pay the bills. As expected, a surprising amount came up. I've reached my credit limit...and my credit limit is set on a pretty high amount (because I'm not the one paying yet hehehe) so yeah. Its the amount that I wont pay myself. Insaf insaf insaf

But I kinda understood the amount though. Since I reported for duty, I've been calling my friends for serious stress reliever calls. Somehow talking to my friends makes me feel as if a thousand tonnes of stress is lifted from my shoulder and I could carry on with whatever shit people try to throw me.

Life was not THAT bad though. Most of the bill was contributed by the data charges. I didnt have the internet access before my father gave me the trusty Celcom broadband, so i've been relying heavily on my postpaid data too.

So i shouln't have problems with data charges and therapeutic calls since i have the broadband. and boyfriend is coming home in a month (YAYYYYY and NAYYYY). Lets hope the bills aren't crazy again.

Sohere is  to sum up what I have been doing in the school.

1. I teach 2 form 2 classes, 1 form 1 class and 2 primary year 4 classes. In case you are wondering why I teach both primary and secondary level, my school is a model khas school. There is only 4 of its kind in Pahang, all sponsored by Yayasan Pahang and they have primary tahap 2 and secondary level in one school.  So far I've been okay with the secondary school kiddos, but i am unsure of what i am doing in year 4 classes. Their abilities are pretty mixed, even in a classroom so I get students bored out of their wits and students who were clueless till the end of the lesson at the same time. I will talk about year 4 challenges later.

2. I am now training secondary school choral speaking team. Its due on June. I haven't started anything yet so I'll update abt this later.

3. I am leaving Kuda at home. Since I dont have a car and the bus might be too cold for him, I will have to leave him at home. Sucks sucks. I'm going to miss it like crazy la like this, especially now that he is trying to speak. He is so cute, I swear. He understood 'Kiss Kiss' and 'skali lagi' so far, and makan, and his name.

4. My school ada a pair of burung merak! how cool

5. With my almost zero Photoshop skill, I made a banner for a school program. It was crazy because i had to look for pictures, find the names for the event and send it to the printing company in less than an hour. Thats how the school is. Semua nak last minute and I actually *mildly* scolded a teacher there for informing things at the last minute, dan sangat menyusahkan. Ada peluang nak kena blacklist awal ni.

6. I don't wear heels anymogh because classes are so high and so far and ughhhhhhh. I dont even have time for meals. Tapi thigh as huge as always. Eman, if ur reading this, I want Herbalife formula 1. I need to surviveeeeeeeeeeeee and i am getting tired of nasik

7. PERBARISANNNNNN. So freaking proud of these kids. Menang. 1st place. Walaupun untuk daerah Bentong sahaja but you know, its big. For me at least. And the kids were happy.

8. I was supposed to be in the primary school musical. I wrote the script, struggled to, in fact, cuz it was fully in Malay. But these teachers in my team. Ada yang boleh tahan ungrateful ya. First a few laughed at my bahasa rojak. Cmon, its a draft. You can mix bahasa in a rough draft kan. Then when I got excused from the team because i need to be in charge of a menengah event, one was so blatantly rude cakap 'oh so kita dah xleh pakai dia lagi la' apa you ingat i lampin pakai buang?. and then when i hand over the script yang dah siap tu, no word of thanks. Oh well. nasib baik team leader sangatlah noice and nice and nice. so buang yang keruh ambil yang jernih ya.

I just realized that I have had so many things done in the past 3 weeks that if i were to continue I might bore everyone with incessant details. Going to stop here and find the strength to remove my makeup. and brush my teeth. and sleep.

penat

what i want right now is not a can of red bull because i have it sitting on my desk right now

and wish for my phone and guidance to mark my year 4 exam papers though, because i have no idea how to grade them.

burned out and thinking of ways to improve life

and...

and i am thinking about turning this blog into a private one. reader by invitation only. kenapa la xboleh ada private settings utk certain posts sahaja?

hari pertama

This was typed on the first day I reported to the school for duty. It may be posted god knows when but it is going on the net baybahs.

So I reported for duty on the 21^st since we gerak from kuantan the day after reporting to the JPN. And man I was excited to go to my school since I’ve been hearing how lucky I was to be posted to one of model khas schools and how we only have like 4 of the kind in Pahang. I was also told that I was way more lucky than Grace and Mardhibum since I don’t have to travel so far in and out if I were to go back to Kuantan, or berlibur in KL. The school is super near the highway and its only 2 hours away from Kuantan and an hour away from KL.

The first call made to the pengetua shook me a little, she did not sound the most polite-est then. But she did become nicer afterwards.

And my first day was overshadowed by her rudeness more than anything. Never in my life I experienced such ridiculous treatment coming from a person who was called a principal. I mean, that sort of behavior was definitely what I have seen from people who are supposedly educated and cultured.

As soon as I reached school, I gave her a call. Apparently she was at the canteen at the time I called her. The conversation went pretty much like this

Me: Assalamualaikum puan. Saya guru baru yang sepatutnya lapor diri hari nit u. Saya dah sampai ke sekolah sekarang.

Her: awak tunggu la kat pejabat tu.

Me: okay puan J

I came with my mother and youngest brother. And we still need to settle matters on my accommodation since I volunteered to her that I’ll do warden chores and she agreed on letting me stay in the warden room. Mind you none of us had our breakfast yet at the time. But I still waited on for like an hour.

She came in an hour later, only to brush me off to go straight to her room, and coming out to spray me on the face. She went ‘ada ka patut awak cikgu baru nak melapor diri hari ni dah mengarah saya, pengetua suruh jumpa awak. Awak ingat awak siapa?’ and then belah without letting me explain or speak.

Now don’t tell me to understand her situation.  I do not find such rudeness necessary. There was no need for you to show me who was in power, we’re not doing some S&M foreplay and I know who I am. I am a novice teacher who was ready to learn everything I need about education from you. I came here to your school because I want to be here and I have all the right drive and I do not need you, who were supposed to show me the ropes to ridicule and accuse me of things I never had even thought about.

For one, I called her because the PPD people had told me that it was what I needed to do as soon as I reach school as a courtesy. By calling her, I was respecting her, to show her that I am already in her grounds and I was by no means intruding. Apparently she didn’t think so. I have no idea why. Maybe I am not used to the cultures yet.

I was very close to tears then because I had never thought I would be put down so much. The people in the office tried to comfort me by saying it wasn’t really my fault and told me to go down to have a drink or something because she has a class until 10.10am. So I went down to find my mother and brother waiting for me and I told them what happened. I was swearing a lot then, sumpah terslip because I was too mad. And then when I calmed down a little, a kind soul came into the room and welcomed me to the school. That was the last straw and unfortunately and a bit embarrassingly,

I cried. thank god for the waterproof mascara

Then i waited again in the office, still headstrong. Still in my head i was trampling down all thoughts of transferring to Kuantan immediately. Another kind soul came in in the form of PK1. He spoke to me in English, which immediately put me in a very very relaxed mood. He was very nice, very helpful and he explained a lot abt the school. He asked me what was my first impression of the school, and i told him before today, I have heard nothing but nice things said about the school. well of course its true.

then the PK requested the pengetua if its a good time for me to see her. she invited me in, and first thing i did was to apologize for calling her. it was something like this

Me: Saya mintak maaf sangat2 puan, saya xde niat nak buat puan rasa mcm saya mengarah puan. Saya cuma call puan sbb PPD suruh saya call puan first thing bila sampai ke sekolah. Saya sendiri pun cuma nak memberitahu. 

Her: Awak xpatut telefon saya mcmtu. Kalau saya xde dalam bilik syaya maknanya saya ada urusan lain yang penting. 

Me: ya, saya faham

Her: Awak dah dapatlah pengajaran awak yang pertama harini

Me: smiles and nods, still forcing the smile on my face

Her: mcmane awak dapat number telefon saya?

Me: Tuan Haji **** yang bagi, dia cakap saya boleh mintak tolong puan kalau ada apape masalah

and she only went 'oh' and be silent. 

and afterwards i learned a lot of things from others as well ;p

big day big day

TBH i dont know if i hate the coming Monday or if I love it.

at this point, i am so uncertain about every single thing and i hate it. i want someone to just grab my shoulder and tell me where i am going. just so i can sort out my life quickly

I sprained my neck again...

Where is the end to this clumsiness? I think this is going to be the death of me.

I was in the shower, and i walked towards the water when i slipped. I didn't fall though. I am super awesome so I balanced myself and not fall flat butt first on the floor. However, right i simply cannot turn my head freely. In fact, just having my head on my shoulder produces this dull ache and discomfort.

I told my father that i might need to see a physiotheraphist, but he suggested that I was just getting older so it is common to get strains like this. I don't know. Maybe he is right. If it gets worse, i am going to the clinic, period.

This happend to me like 2 to 3 months ago too. The first night was the worst and i thought i could die from the pain. Even lying down to sleep was excruciatingly painful and i cannot move my shoulders the whole 2 days afterwards. I do not wish that to happen again :(

and......i am just afraid that its my old injury that resurfaced again. not many of you know of the accident in south island so i am alarmed on my own. i only told my father abt it, because my mother seems indifferent when i told her i was in an accident. didnt ask for details, didnt demand for anything. she just doesnt care i guess?


and my mother is acting like she hates me for being in pain. you know. i asked for pills and my father urged her to go see if i took the right ones, and she grumbled loud enough for my ears to hear "sakit sikit pun dok suruh orang tengok. kita sakit x pdulik pun" which is stupid. i didnt ask to be in pain darling. i didnt. 


my father was like "ask mak to rub some heating rub on your back" and i knew almost immediately that she just wont do it. 






oh neck and shoulder pain. be kind to me tonight.

Robert Frost, The road not taken

가지 않은 길(The Road not Taken)

노란 숲 속에 길이 두 갈래로 났었습니다.
나는 두 길을 다 가지 못하는 것을 안타깝게 생각하면서,
오랫동안 서서 한 길이 굽어 꺾여 내려간 데까지, 
바라다 볼 수 있는 데까지 멀리 바라다 보았습니다.

그리고, 똑같이 아름다운 다른 길을 택했습니다.
그 길에는 풀이 더 있고 사람이 걸은 자취가 적어, 
아마 더 걸어야 될 길이라고 나는 생각했었던 게지요.
그 길을 걸으므로, 그 길도 거의 같아질 것이지만. 

그 날 아침 두 길에는
낙엽을 밟은 자취는 없었습니다.
아, 나는 다음 날을 위하여 한 길은 남겨 두었습니다.
길은 길에 연하여 끝없으므로
내가 다시 돌아올 것을 의심하면서....

훗날에 훗날에 나는 어디선가
한숨을 쉬며 이야기할 것입니다.
숲 속에 두 갈래 길이 있었다고,
나는 사람이 적게 간 길을 택하였다고, 
그리고 그것 때문에 모든 것이 달라졌다고

I wonder if its racist...or what...but

Okay so there is this fight? argument? discussion? in Tumblr. Watch the video until point 3:59 when Howie made a comment about Tiffany's English, saying 'your English is very good'. So Fany replied 'I was born in America'. Somebody thougt that Howie was being offensive by responding to that with 'your-english-is-very-good' instead of just saying 'oh i see...' or anything acknowledging the fact that Fany's English is good because she was born and raised in America.

I personally thought that the response was milddddly offensive because I don't understand what he was trying to prove.

One person argued that its normal that people don't associate race and language. Language is acquired, right? So it is surprising for people from South Korea or any other countries that do not use English as a second language to be speaking that good English. Heck. Even I sometimes get that comments when I was in Auckland. Some of them seem to be surprised that people from Malaysia to have a good command of English. Some inquired if I have spent my time in other English speaking country because they didn't know how English in Malaysia is like. So you could pass off Howie's reaction to plain ignorance.

It is only natural to be complimented when you are obviously not a native speaker of a certain language but you have a good grasp of the language used in the place. In retrospective, that happened to me all the time when i speak Korean to a Korean. Their eyes always go the size of a saucer when I did, and they seem to be extremely pleased and surprised that I speak their language. They ask me if i have been living in Korea, and get even more surprised when i say i have never been there. It is all normal reaction.

But I don't get why would he respond to her statement by slowing down his speech and repeating the same thing. Maybe he was trying to make a joke? IDK. Maybe he was. I think he shouldn't have. If he was trying to be funny, I think it came out as slightly racist.

So...tell me what you think?

writing here because i need an outlet

so my mother was talking to me, in a very mildly cynical tone about how I have nothing to do at home and I did not do anything productive, nor do I have any effort on looking for things to do.

ehem. excuse me.

i did not want to tell her that i cannot go out because she has been hogging the car. right now there is only one car at the house, and she has a bit of a trust issue with me and cars.

so i effing hate it. its not like all i do was to eat shit and sleep.

just wondering

is it normal if you don't love some(thing/one) as much as other people does?
does it make you a bad person?

i'm just wondering.